Trust Expectations: The Hidden Dynamic Shaping Your Team

Transforming self-reflection for better leadership outcomes

As leaders reset priorities and recalibrate their approach for the year ahead, one of the most powerful shifts you can make won't show up in a strategic plan or quarterly goals. It lives in the questions you ask - especially the ones you think demonstrate accountability.

Most leaders believe asking "why" drives self-awareness and ownership. The neuroscience tells a different story.

The Brain's Threat Response

When someone hears "Why did you do that?" their amygdala interprets it as an attack. The brain doesn't distinguish between "Why did you miss the deadline?" and "You screwed up and now defend yourself."

Research from organizational psychologist Tasha Eurich shows that people who frequently ask themselves "why" questions experience more anxiety and depression. They ruminate rather than problem-solve. They create elaborate justifications rather than actionable insights.

The same dynamic happens in leadership conversations. Ask "Why did you do that?" and watch what happens: people either shut down completely or launch into defensive explanations that protect their ego rather than examine the real issue.

What "Why" Actually Produces

Defensiveness: People shift into justify mode, constructing explanations that make them look less bad rather than genuinely reflecting.

Backward focus: "Why" keeps people stuck analyzing the past instead of designing different futures.

Shallow thinking: Paradoxically, "why" questions produce surface-level answers. "Because I was overwhelmed" provides nothing actionable.

Emotional shutdown: For team members with certain behavioral drives, "why" questions create such discomfort that they disengage entirely.

The Alternative That Works

Replace "why" with "what" and "how."

Instead of "Why did you miss the deadline?" try "What got in the way of meeting the deadline?"

The shift is subtle but profound. The first puts them on trial. The second enlists them as a problem-solving partner.

• "What were you hoping to accomplish?" (instead of "Why did you do it that way?")
• "What would need to be different next time?" (instead of "Why do you think this keeps happening?")
• "How are you thinking about approaching this?" (instead of "Why haven't you started yet?")

These questions activate the prefrontal cortex rather than the amygdala's fight-or-flight response. They shift people from defensive to reflective, from stuck to moving forward.

Real-World Results

A VP of Operations restructured her performance conversations using this framework.

Before: "Why are you consistently late to our team meetings?"

After: "What's making it difficult to join on time? What support would help?"

Instead of excuses, she got real information: "I'm trying to prep for these meetings and never have enough time" or "I'm unclear on the priority level of this meeting versus my project deadlines."

Suddenly she had actual problems to solve rather than justifications to push back against.

Implementation

Before your next three challenging conversations, write down the "why" questions that come to mind. Rewrite them as "what" or "how" questions.

Track whether people become more defensive or more collaborative. Most leaders are shocked by how much resistance evaporates when they remove "why" from these conversations.

As you think about the leadership habits you want to reinforce this year, this shift costs nothing and changes everything.

The Deeper Pattern

This isn't about avoiding one word. It's about understanding how questions shape the thinking they produce.

"Why" questions produce justifications and rumination. "What" and "how" questions produce insight and action.

Teams don't need more interrogation. They need better questions that produce better thinking.

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You find the candidate.
Flawless resume.
Impressive credentials.
References that sound like fan mail.

You hire them.
Ninety days later, they’re gone.
Or worse, still there, but underperforming.

Sound familiar?

We’ve all been sold the same illusion: that the “perfect hire” exists, and you can find them by skimming for the right buzzwords, schools, and job titles.

Here’s the truth: The perfect hire is a myth. And chasing it is costing you more than you think.

1. The Resume Tells You What They've Done, Not How They'll Work

We've built entire hiring processes around a flawed assumption: that past success in one environment predicts future success in yours.

It doesn't work that way.

A resume shows you what someone has done. It lists skills they've learned and companies they've worked for. But it can't tell you how they're naturally wired to work, which matters far more for long-term success.

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Take two candidates with nearly identical backgrounds, same degree, similar experience, comparable skills. Put them in the same role, and their performance will likely be dramatically different.

Why? Because one might be energized by independent problem-solving while the role needs constant collaboration. The other might thrive on structure when your environment demands comfort with ambiguity.

The credentials match perfectly. The natural fit doesn't. And that gap is where 46% of new hires fail within 18 months.

The Better Question:

Instead of "Can they do this job?" The real question is "Will they thrive doing it?"

Skills can be taught. Your systems can be learned. But you can't train someone to be energized by work that drains them.

2. Experience Can't Compensate for Misalignment

We assume experience solves everything. Hire someone with enough years under their belt, and they'll figure it out.

Except they often don't.

Working against your natural wiring is exhausting. It's like being right-handed but forced to use your left hand for everything. You can do it, but it requires constant effort and never feels natural.

When someone's natural drives match what a role requires, something different happens. They don't just work harder, they work more naturally. Tasks that would drain someone else energize them. Problems that would frustrate others engage them.

Organizations tracking this see real differences:

• 40% fewer people leave when natural drives match role requirements
• 3x better productivity compared to misaligned placements
• 67% higher engagement when people work in naturally fitting roles

Experience still matters for knowledge and expertise. But alignment determines whether someone will sustain high performance, or burn out trying.

3. The Real Cost Isn't the Salary. It's the Momentum Lost

HR often cites the cost of a bad hire as 1.5 to 3x the annual salary. SHRM estimates it's closer to 500% of annual salary for mid-level roles once you factor in recruiting, onboarding, lost productivity, and team disruption.

But even that number misses something bigger: opportunity cost.

Every day someone is misaligned in a role, you're not just losing money. You're losing momentum. You're losing the compounding gains that come from having someone naturally wired to excel.

Think about the projects that don’t launch. The clients who never close. The innovation that stalls. The team morale that drifts.

The cost isn't just what you're spending, it's what you're missing.

4. “Culture Fit” Isn’t a Personality Match, It’s a Drive Match

Everyone talks about hiring for culture fit. But too often, that gets confused with hiring people who seem familiar or agreeable.

Real culture fit means alignment between how someone is naturally driven to work and what your environment actually demands.

Common Misalignments:

• A brilliant analyst in a relationship-first role
• A structure-driven thinker in a fast-paced, chaotic environment
• A natural collaborator placed in solo project work

None of these are skill issues. They’re energy mismatches. And those mismatches compound over time.

The best organizations don’t guess. They get specific about what drives success in each role, and they assess whether candidates are wired for those dynamics.

5. Building Teams That Actually Work

The perfect hire is a myth. Perfect implies someone who excels across all roles, in all environments, under all conditions. That person doesn’t exist.

But the right hire? That’s real.

That’s someone whose natural drives align with what the role truly demands. Someone who doesn’t have to fight their wiring to succeed. Someone who fits, not just on paper, but in practice.

This Isn’t About Lowering Standards

It’s about getting sharper. More precise. More honest about what truly predicts success in your organization, not what reads well on a resume.

Extraordinary teams aren’t made by collecting top credentials. They’re built by aligning the right people with the right roles and letting their strengths do the work.

The Shift Forward

It starts by redefining what success looks like in each role.
Then it takes the right tools to uncover how candidates are naturally wired—not just what they say in interviews.
And finally, it requires the courage to hire for alignment over familiarity.

The question isn’t whether alignment matters, the data confirms it does.The real question is: Are you ready to stop chasing “perfect” and start hiring for what actually works?

The Universal Pattern of Learning

Every skill we master follows the same four-stage pattern. Understanding these stages doesn't just help us learn – it helps us become better teachers and leaders. Let's break it down:

Stage 1: Unconsciously Incompetent

This is where we start: completely unaware of what we don't know. My son watching me drive from the passenger seat thinks it looks easy. Just like I once thought leadership was simply about telling people what to do. In this stage, we don't even know enough to be nervous.

What it sounds like:

• "How hard can it be?"
• "I've watched others do this plenty of times"
• "It's just common sense, right?"

Stage 2: Consciously Incompetent

‍Reality hits. For my son, it's the moment he first sits behind the wheel and realizes he needs to simultaneously:

• Watch all mirrors
• Control the pedals
• Stay in lane
• Monitor speed
• Watch for hazards
• Follow traffic rules

Suddenly, what looked simple becomes overwhelming. This is exactly how I felt in my first leadership role. The sheer number of things to track, decisions to make, and relationships to manage felt paralyzing.

‍This is where most people quit. The gap between where they are and where they need to be feels too vast. The awareness of everything they don't know becomes overwhelming.

Stage 3: Consciously Competent

‍This is the practice phase. Every action requires intense focus and deliberate thought. New drivers white-knuckle the steering wheel, mentally checking every mirror, hyper-aware of every move. New leaders similarly overthink every interaction, decision, and meeting.But here's the good news: with enough practice, patterns emerge. Confidence builds. What once required intense concentration starts to flow more naturally.

Stage 4: Unconsciously Competent

‍Finally, mastery (auto-pilot)! Experienced drivers navigate complex situations without conscious thought. Their mind is free to focus on higher-level decisions because the basics have become automatic.Great leaders reach this same state. They can seamlessly shift from strategic planning to team development to crisis management, all while making it look effortless. But remember – it only looks effortless because of the thousands of hours of practice that came before.And also remember – never stop learning. Don’t assume you’ve got it figured out. 

Breaking Through the Barrier

‍Remember that critical second stage where most people quit? Here's how to push through:

1. Normalize the Overwhelm
   
   • Recognize that feeling overwhelmed is a sign of growth
   • Understand that everyone goes through this phase
   • Use it as a signal that you're actually learning
2. Chunk It Down
   
   • Break the skill into smaller, manageable pieces
   • Focus on mastering one element at a time
   • Celebrate small wins along the way
3. Find a Guide
   
   • Learn from those who've already mastered the skill
   • Seek feedback from experienced mentors
   • Use structured learning programs to fast-track progress

The Leadership Connection

‍Leadership development follows this exact pattern. New leaders often move from:

• Thinking leadership is simple (Stage 1)
• Becoming overwhelmed by its complexity (Stage 2)
• Deliberately practicing new skills (Stage 3)
• Finally leading naturally and effectively (Stage 4)

The key is recognizing where you are in the journey and not getting discouraged in that critical second stage. Remember: feeling overwhelmed isn't a sign that you're failing – it's a sign that you're growing.

Moving Forward

‍Whether you're learning to drive, lead, or master any new skill, understanding these four stages helps you:

• Recognize where you are in the learning journey
• Stay motivated during the challenging phases
• Support others through their own development
• Build more effective learning environments

The path from unconscious incompetence to unconscious competence isn't easy, but it is predictable. And with the right understanding, support, and persistence, it's absolutely achievable.